hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
