So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
