dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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