so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
being pregnant is like rehab
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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