just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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