So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
