So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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