A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
