I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
