she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
