Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
