Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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