A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
