Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My ass is underappreciated
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize