Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
