I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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