I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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