I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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