spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
