nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
