Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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