Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
