Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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