I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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