I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
