Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize