I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize