dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
