he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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