i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
