My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
