apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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