I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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