I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
