I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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