I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
