Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
