Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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