I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
