My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
