on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
