Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
