I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize