this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I want a musical about memes.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
