Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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