she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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