he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
