Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
