Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
