Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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