oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm experimenting with sincerity
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
