All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
