Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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