I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
