if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
