Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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