We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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