just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
