she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
