Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
