Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
