a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
no, he came in my armpit
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I FOUND THE LEGS
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
