I hate all girls vehemently.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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