kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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