Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
