You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
