You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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