Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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