I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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