I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
